Advent has historically been a lonely season for me.
But not this year... no, this year I dug my feet in and refused to be lonely.

The Advent devotional I’m reading claims it to be a season of mixed joy- “Thanksgiving for what I have, musings of what might have been.”
Today’s reading urged me to accept the mixture of these feelings…
To accept the celebration of the birth of The One who came to suffer, die, and rise from the dead to open the door of life for me. 

It’s difficult for my soul to be at peace on an ordinary day-
Let alone on days when I’m asked to celebrate the birth of The One who would die to save me.

This Advent season has been more eventful than those of the past.
If I’m being honest, I’ve found myself hiding from the loneliness more than I believe to be healthy. 

But that’s what we as broken people in need of a reconciling Savior do, isn’t it?

And as a feeler of all.the.things.
It’s been easier to find cheap rest in staying active, staying laughing, and staying out too late than sitting with my feelings and wrestling for true rest.

Easier yes. Satisfying no.

So tonight, I sit with the mixed feelings and allow the loneliness to make itself at home-
And face the uncomfortable truth that there’s some shame surrounding Holy Seasons, for me at least,
when I feel less than Holy, or less than worthy- or when my emotions don’t exactly line up with liturgy. 
I so often forget that God’s not offended by my feelings [shocker I know]

It’s okay for Advent to be both an anticipatory celebration and a solemn time of reflection… there is grace enough to feel and help us navigate both so long as we are being authentic.