"Well someone is a little entitled..." The comment left his lips after a moment of me insisting I deserved something absurd out of our relationship.
Everything in me wanted to shut down, to walk out of the restaurant and be done with this brunch date. It was like receiving feedback, but in a public place... this wasn't a Tuesday and it wasn't sandwiched between two other comments about how amazing I am. No, this was just the truth. Plainly put with no sugar-coating.
We finished brunch on egg shells, he apologized for his remark and I said "it's fine."
Earlier, we had agreed to go pick out a Christmas tree; considering the circumstances I was feeling (and thinking) a lot of things but festive wasn't one of them. We got in the car silently and headed east. I looked out the window and tried to collect my thoughts.
I wondered if this is what it meant to be an adult... hearing something that made you want to eat a pint of ice cream and still making the decision to stay instead of leave.
I thought back to the constructive feedback I received while on the race... then I remembered something my squad leader said at month five debrief:
If you're offended by something it's because of one of two reasons. Either what was said is true and you don't want it to be -OR- what was said isn't true and you're not secure enough in what is true to not be bothered. Either way, offenses are a personal issue.
I choked back my tears as I opened my mouth to share... "I am really offended by what you said about me being entitled, because I think I am too"
This year has been amazing in so many ways. I woke up on new years day in Greece. I walked away from good-enough in search of can't live without. I jumped in the lake and danced all night. I moved into the sweetest little apartment and on Saturday I will be 33% of the way done with graduate school.
I have great friends and access to very good wine. Life is good.
And yet... on any given day, if asked, I could list one hundred ways it could be better. My flesh is so susceptible to comparison and jealousy it's shameful. My demands for easier and faster and more are embarrassing. And on Sunday, M pointed it out... called it like he saw it.
While it's not fun for this to be the first post I am writing in months... it needed to be written.
"We don't learn to love each other well in the easy moments. Anyone is good company at a cocktail party. Love is born when we misunderstand one another and make it right."- Shauna Niequist